writer, listener

Getting a better pair

on January 19, 2012

"When I'm wasted, nobody notices that I jack up my breasts with my arm."

I’m finally getting some work done. My husband got tired of my constant complaining and self-criticism, so he and our cherished friend, Aetna, are buying me a sexy new set of twins.

Don’t get excited–I’m not talking about a fantastically perky new rack. It’s even better than that.

It’s double knee surgery, baby! And if all goes as anticipated, those puppies are going to swell up bigger than Pamela Anderson’s ridiculous pre-reduction knockers. I’m talking at the height of her confidence crisis.

And then a few days, okay weeks, later, I’ll be back in my tap shoes. Unless there really is zero cartilage left, in which case I’ll still wear my taps on principle, because they’re new and attractive. I just bought them after 19 years with my old ones.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll audition for the Rockettes after I get my knees fixed, though. Although it’s totally an option, especially if I gain seven inches during the surgery, as I fully expect will be the case. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to make big, Radio City-sized decisions right now while I’m operating on high emotion.

Actual taps. Are these not the legs of a Rockette?

The highest emotion I’m experiencing at the moment, by the way, is unbridled terror. Like any decent practitioner of Internet medicine, I’ve Googled myself into hyperventilation with accounts of how I’ll never walk again, let alone open the Radio City Christmas Spectacular with the Rockettes next winter. Why are people only compelled to share their bilateral lateral release and chondroplasty stories if they end badly? It’s not knee replacement. It’s just a tune-up and alignment.

So, I’ve backed away from the search engine, because I’m going to do this and I’m going to be fine. My orthopedist is, quite literally, one of the best in the country, and can probably perform this surgery drunk. Drunk and sleeping. On a roller coaster. This surgery is that common, and this guy is that good.

It seems like at least a quarter of the population has had knee surgery of some sort, so I’m hoping you people will share your experiences with me.

This is the part where you email me at RhondaSaunders@gmail.com (or comment below if you don’t mind the world reading it) to share your very positive story and to tell me how knee surgery changed your life for the better and how you’ve never regretted it and that I should not just skip it and start saving for all-new titanium knees 15 years from now, instead of just fixing the originals in March.

17 responses to “Getting a better pair

  1. Bonnie says:

    I wish you well!! I also wish that I could’ve done something LESS THAN a total knee replacement; maybe I’d be in better shape, now. So, you GO GIRL!! Speedy recovery, also!

  2. Kathleen Zavala says:

    Any kind of surgery has its good and bad points….looking into as much as you have will drive you crazy. Relax and look at the positives. This doctor does this for a living and your putting your trust in him that speaks for itself. GOOD LUCK HONEY.I would have went for the new Tata’s….Hugs…..Kathleen

  3. Sending kind thoughts to your knees. Trying not to think about crunching tatas.

  4. Donna says:

    Good luck with your surgery, my friend. A good friend of mine had one knee “cleaned up” about 5 years ago and felt fine afterward. You will be fine. Better to get “minor” surgery now; I’ve heard those replacements don’t last too long past 10 years. I think it’s better to wait until you are less active to actually have that surgery. Oh well, thinking positive thoughts and hoping you are tapping around soon after.

  5. Rick Boettger says:

    I’ve been missing a ligament and a meniscus for 40 years. I expected to get a knee replacement around now. But 5 years ago I went to the VA to get the process of a replacemnet started, and they said first I had to get some new injections.

    It has been miraculous. The Syndisc (hyaluronic acid) injections seemed to have effectively replaced the cartilage. My knee never goes out or swells up any more. I have two other friends with similar stories. It is for cartilage, not kneecap or ligament problems

    Call me for more details. Re: crunchy tatas. As a guy, all tatas are a fine image to me.

  6. When we were in the adoption process, I would tell people — I was very excited. Well, one day, I was having my legs waxed and the woman doing it told me, while she was stripping off my leg hair, that she knew a couple — RIP — who adopted a child — RIP — and that child, when he turned 16 — RIP — killed his parents — RIP. She just went on and on… I left there literally shaking, got in the car and burst into tears. The boys are 19 and 20 now and we are still alive… When Penny was hugely pregnant, she told me that perfect strangers would walk up and tell her miscarriage stories. People are so weird. Except us.

  7. AB says:

    No cruel stories of joint surgeries gone bad? Sister, I am a former med mal attorney. Yer killin’ me, here. Just step away from the knife and come to one of my yoga classes instead.

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